Dominoes and Hills

The award for Most Inconsistent Blogger goes to… Emily!  If there were a statuette to recognize the laziness I have shown towards The Wheel Deal I imagine it would be a golden fist with a thumb pointing downward.  Unfortunately it has been weeks since I’ve even thought about The WD, my mind preoccupied with not one, not two, but three life changes that are about to occur (I’ll get to that after I grovel for your forgiveness).  However this past week I haven’t been able to shake this internal demand for me to pay some attention to The WD.  So – here I am, I might as well tell you all where my wheels have been and where they’ll be going.

Every big change is really just a domino in a giant maze of other dominos – I like to think of that maze as life.  For many years it seemed that the dominos were placed almost a whole length apart, and much time had to pass in order for the next one to be knocked over.  However lately the dominos seem to be placed quite close together and things are changing quickly in my a-mazing life. 

Domino #1: In June while visiting my best friend turned boyfriend (as of a year ago) who lives in Nashville we met up with a photographer friend of ours who was going to take couples photos of us.  Not being the most photogenic person I wasn’t real enthused about a photo shoot, but he kept reminding me that someday I’d be glad to have the pictures.  Since he tends to be right about that sort of thing, and our friend takes beautiful pictures I put my happy face on.

*Side Note: never thought a whole lot about couples posing for pictures when one is always sitting.  The height difference is sometimes just awkward when it comes to taking pictures.  

Anyone else feel that way? 

The above mentioned issue was starting to get to me a little, add the afternoon sun on an already hot summer’s day in Nashville you have the recipe for a slightly cranky Emily.  I wanted the pictures to look good, and although I really was happy to be there I just couldn’t get the weird height thing out of the back of my mind.  I started to stare off into space a bit, perhaps I was trying to think of different poses, or maybe I just shut down a little.  Something caught my eye and I looked down suddenly to find my boyfriend on one knee holding a sparkly ring.  My “yes” was immediate (we had discussed marriage at length many times, and it was no secret both of us that it was in our near future – I just didn’t know when it was going to be “official”).  To no one’s surprise the next several shots were the best of the night.  We, I stopped thinking about looking “happy” and simply was.  I should make a mental note to remember that on my wedding day – I’m sure I’ll need to remind myself to not over think pictures then too.

Domino #2: Figuring out how to take the long distance out of our long distance relationship has been a goal of ours for the last year, now we have a much needed timeline for that.  We know by the end of next spring that we will not only be living in the same city, but we will be together as husband and wife forever.  While in Nashville post-engagement, my now fiancé and I looked at an apartment.  This was a first for both of us – me: looking at a grown-up place to live, my fiancé: looking at apartments and factoring in a wife and a wheelchair.  We knew that I would be the one to make the geographical move so we could ditch the miles between us.  Now having a definite timeline we’re not only planning a wedding, but a big move as well.  That being said – wedding planning for a wheelchair bride and a groom currently 800 miles away… stay tuned to hear how that goes.

Domino #3: This should be called “The domino I desperately need to tip over – like now”.  I am faced with the same problem most post-grad young adult is – finding a job in a rickety economy.  Unlike a lot of 23 year olds I have no “official” work experience.  Typical teenager jobs in retail or food service weren’t really an option for me, and I wanted to make sure I could get to a job independently (basically I needed a car – no easy feat for a driver in a chair).  However I have a van now (yippee!  I’ll post pictures of my cool semi-high tech van that I affectionately call Albert), a degree, and the skills needed to do all sorts of jobs. 

Never did I think that finding a job would be so difficult, or that my chair would actually play a role (no pun intended) in my job search, yet it is and it does.  As a student I didn’t let my chair impact a lot of my choices.  School work is done for the most part sitting down, and when I worked in various elementary schools the environment was pretty easy to navigate.  However as I contemplate places of employment I find myself having to think how my seated posture will work with that.  For example the other day I looked at jobs at the post office.  The description for the clerk at the window seemed to be a great fit for me, except for the fact that I can’t even see over the counter.  It will certainly be interesting to see where I end up employed.  Hopefully that happens soon!

So here I am, on the brink of extreme change.  It’s like being at the top of a hill on a paved road in the middle of nowhere – you’re not rolling yet but once you start you’ll get that feeling in the pit of your stomach.  It can only be described as partly terrified, a little shaky, adrenaline fueled thrill, but mostly sheer joy.   Last year I couldn’t imagine this is where I’m at, and I’m sure next year I will think the same thing.  I have to ask my older, wiser readers: does the road of life ever flatten out, or are you constantly going up and down hills? 

Forever Twirling

I know this isn’t a typical “I haven’t blogged in almost a year” entry.  There's a lot to fill you all in on: engagements, nephews, moves - but that will have to wait.  However sometimes entries write themselves and welcome back posts must be postponed. 

            My alarm went off Sunday morning and I was greeted with sun streaming through my window blinds and birds chirping outside.  It sounds extremely cliché but honestly that’s how my day actually started – full of symbols of life.  As usual I prolonged my laying in bed (although this morning I actually felt “awake”) and mentally went through my closet deciding what I would wear to church.  I made my way to the kitchen to put my mandatory pot of coffee on.  Taking time to finish up the half cup left in the pot I sat in the middle of the kitchen and stared at the floor watching the sun shadows dance.  Something struck me this morning – everything seemed beautiful, like I was in a dream or had HD glasses on.  I put on my mentally pre-planned outfit of a skirt and t-shirt, nothing particularly different than my daily wear really.

            Out the door on time I went to my van to get in and head to church.  Knowing what sort of mindset I was in I wasn’t surprised that I took my time getting in, leaving the side door of my van open and the breeze blow in until the very last second.  As I stood up to get into the driver’s seat the wind blew my skirt a bit.  Just like before when I captivated earlier by the shadows dancing I couldn’t stop watching the wind play with the hem of my skirt.  My mind instantly envisioned myself twirling, leaping, dancing, and spinning in a bright white, sun-filled room.  I knew what I was seeing – it was a sneak peek of myself in heaven getting my dance on. 

            During my drive to church I was in a happy dreamy state.  I was almost thankful that the car I was stuck behind was driving a good 10 mph under the speed limit; I was enjoying seeing the scenery with my “high-def dream glasses”.  Once at church I sidled in next to my sister-in-law and 8 month old nephew Liam.  I am going to have to tell you more about Liam someday but for now you just need to know some basic facts: that sweet little boy lights up the room with his smile and shares his Aunt Emily’s orthopedic challenges.  Still thinking about twirling in heaven I looked at Liam and had similar visions – him running, jumping, tumbling and doing flips.  As I played with Liam throughout the church service I prayed that no matter what his future held (we don’t know exactly how similar his genetic disability is to mine) he would never forget what I was being reminded of that morning – that in heaven we’ll have perfect legs and feet.

            I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratefulness that I can look forward to an eternity with perfectly functioning legs.  I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what the sermon was actually about (I was really lost in my own thought process).  However at the end of the message the worship team played that classic Mercy Me song “I can Only Imagine”.  I’ve heard that song a million times on the radio and usually just ignore it, but when I hear it live it gets me (especially when my brother plays it – since becoming Liam’s daddy I think of him and that song totally differently).  All hope of keeping my emotions in check when out the window when the lyrics of the song connected with my visions that morning.   “Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?  Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still?”  Totally and completely overwhelmed by what I have to look forward to I cried tears of gratitude.

Rarely do I really think about how my movements are hindered by my lack of muscle control in my legs, but mornings like Sunday I just can’t get away from it.  There have been times when those thoughts have made me feel the exact opposite; sad, depressed, and inadequate.  Part of the reason I am writing the experience of this past Sunday down is because I want to remember it.  I need to remember that I have all of eternity to twirl, do cartwheels, jump, and dance.  Eternity is a whole lot longer than my lifetime here on earth.  Any thought of heaven automatically reminds me of the tremendous love God has for me, and the fact that He made me to His perfect specifications.  The way I am, the way Liam is, the way you are is exactly how we were thoughtfully put together.

            The other reason I wanted to write this down was to share it with you.  I try not to get over preachy or religious in this blog because I want to be as relatable as possible.  However my relationship with Christ is a huge part of who I am, it’s my very foundation, and it has had an immeasurable impact on how I view my disability.  It would be so easy to take the fact that the only movement my skirt makes it from the wind and simply be sad about it.  To wallow in the fact that I won’t ever know the simple girlish pleasure of twirling.  But what good would that do?  I want to share the hope and promise of an eternity as a perfect being – completely whole physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Here’s to spending forever twirling : )